


Married to Bobert K Flummadiddle

by kaige68



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Community: 1_million_words, Crack, Deviates From Canon, M/M, Soulmates, True Love's Kiss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 21:53:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,942
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5944393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaige68/pseuds/kaige68
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Avengers find themselves captured by aliens out near Jupiter.  Only True Love can save them.  Enter Bobert K Flummadiddle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Married to Bobert K Flummadiddle

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for so many prompts over at 1_million_words, and it's later for each and every one of them. Rare Pair (at least it's rare to me), and a weekend challenge issued by Dreamy, and a Thursday Trope (also issued by Dreamy), and a Word of the Day from over the summer.
> 
> Super fast read throughs from AsphaltCowGrrl and Haldoor. Thank you to both of them. HUGE THANK YOU! All remaing errors are my own. 
> 
> Additional thanks are due to Thtwzjustadream and Simplyn2deep for their excellent prompts.

_“Bobert K. Flumadiddle! They’re in there! I’m telling you! I don’t know who it is, but I can feel them. Deep down. Don’t shake your head at me, you know what I mean. My true love! I feel it right here! You have to let me through.”_

The voice went on, demanding, cajoling. The raccoon next to Hawkeye groaned, dropped his head to his… hands? Paws? 

“That idiot is going to get us killed.” The raccoon turned to look his cellmate in the eye. “Do you have idiots who talk more than they should?”

Clint nodded. _Great, now I’m commiserating with an anthropomorphic critter._

“Ours is out in one of the stasis beams.” Nat spoke up from the cell next to them where she was cuffed to the wall. “Well, one of them. The other one is in with you.”

“Hey!” Clint wound up to argue with his partner but Rocket elbowed him and chuckled. 

“Trust me when I tell ya,” The little guy grinned through sharp teeth. “He’s the only one who makes me look quiet.”

“Oh look.” Nat rolled her eyes. “You’ve found kindred spirits.”

_”...my soulmate! You can’t deny me my soulmate! That’s my destiny in there. I thought I’d be searching for ever, maybe never find my One. But right there! My One is right there. I can feel it. I feel the pull. Don’t stop me now. Whoa… Ooop.. . HA!”_

There were sounds of a scuffle from just out of their line of sight. Clint recognized the wet slap sound of their captors making contact with each other. 

“There is a bajillion to one chance that this will end good.” Rocket sighed, but Hawkeye felt his body tense as if he were trying to look relaxed but was ready to spring depending on what happened in the hall.

Clint was not prepared for the human who slid to a stop in front of their jail cell. Eyes went quickly from Rocket to Clint to Natasha, and back to Clint as if deciding which was the least offensive. “Him! Oh! It’s him! I’ve finally… I feel like I can breathe for the first time in my life!”

“Doofus.” Rocket muttered under his breath. 

“Do you know him?” One of their jailors spoke to Clint.

“Yeah, sure.” Clint clipped and crossed his arms over his chest. “That’s Bobby.”

“Is he **your** Bobby?” Clint couldn’t tell if the black eyes were trying to bore into his skull.

“Don’t do it.” Rocket whispered. 

The guard gestured for Clint to move forward, and unable to tear his eyes from Bobert K Flummadiddle, Clint stepped up.

A hand reached through the bars fast, quickly grabbed hold of Clint’s vest pulling him against the bars, his head hitting with a loud thunk. _Yeah, that’s gonna be another concussion._ Clint thought, and added on mentally. _But the guy knows how to kiss._

Clint closed his eyes against the pain and the lip lock. The guard started to release the door, and the raccoon sprang.

~*~

Tony’s special modifications to… well to everything, made their lives a lot easier, but caused a lot more problems. Every time the man was left alone for more than 24 hours, there was something new and shiny, which somehow lead to some new problem that needed to be defeated.

Boomerang arrows were awesome, but the people around Clint needed to be warned when he used them, which kind of defeated the purpose of using them if you were announcing that you were using them. And that was the most benign thing Tony had developed.

The Quinjet could now go into space. And at far greater speeds than anything that science was able to move through space to date. It was … very cool. Flying past Mars with Jupiter and Saturn in sight was … pretty freaking cool.

Of course this is when they discovered that their solar system was under the protection of another race of aliens. Turns out there is a big forcefield out by Jupiter. Like a giant invisible Hadrian’s wall. But instead of keeping out the Picts, it keeps in the humans. 

Not cool. Not cool at all. 

The Quinjet was hit with a tractor beam and lost everything except life support. Steve and Tony immediately started arguing, Bucky joined in. Scarlet Witch, Widow, and Hawkeye just geared up. Although Hawkeye did grumble that it would have been nice if Thor had mentioned the barrier to them.

Steve tried to be nice, polite, politic when their ramp was forced open and slimy dudes with big guns boarded and forced them from the jet. The Captain slimy alien explained that travel through the barrier was only by special permit, and that humans were never allowed beyond it. That humans were violent animals who would never be allowed out of their cage.

“But visitors to the zoo are fine? Yeah, I don’t think so.” And off Tony went, blasting aliens. 

Steve yelled at him, but backed him up. Not overly keen himself on the fact that special visitation permits were given to aliens to vacation in the wilds of Earth.

It was kind of pathetic how quickly the Avengers were subdued. Steve was taken away to ‘talk’ to their captors, while the other five were marched off to holding. The Winter Soldier and Scarlet Witch were forced to stand inside of meter wide circles on the floor. As soon as they were within the confines of the circles, a beam dropped down and they both looked fully asleep but standing at attention. Tony was forced into a similar circle, fighting the whole way, yelling through the gag, but eventually trapped in the beam none the less.

Widow had surrendered her wristbands, and while they deemed her co-operative, the aliens decided that she was dangerous enough to be manacled to a wall in a cell of her own. Scary, but not scary enough for a beam. Clint was thrown into the next jail cell with a fully clothed talking bipedal raccoon. Probably better than being thrown in with a naked talking bipedal raccoon. And, he was unrestrained so that was insulting, but a perk.

Less than an hour later Steve was marched past them. The jailors allowed him to speak to Nat and Clint. “We’re waiting on their high commander to arrive and pass judgement on us. The penalty for trying to _escape_ Earth is death.” Steve sighed and looked over his shoulder at where Tony was shining in his bright circle. “They will come for me when he gets here. And I’ll be allowed to plead our case. But it sounds like a formality before sentencing rather anything that will do us any good.” 

Nat pulled on her chain and made a gruff noise, calling their guards attention to her, away from Steve for a moment. Steve eyed Clint with purpose. “They think it’s funny that you threw sticks at them. They think you are not very evolved.” Steve smirked, secure in more knowledge than the aliens had.

“Which is why they threw me in with the animals.”

“HEY!” The critter behind him spoke up, but did nothing.

Clint knew it was on him to save the Avengers. Again.

Steve was marched over to the last empty circle. He stepped inside and bright light enveloped him. 

“Stasis beams.” The raccoon supplied when the guards stepped out of view. “Suspended animation for the dangerous criminals.”

“Is that a tree?” Clint asked as he eyed the three other beams.

“I know! Like I’m less dangerous than Groot. These Sloobers don’t know anything!”

“Sloobers?” Nat asked?

“What would you call them?” The little guy made a ‘duh?’ gesture with his clawed hand.

Clint agreed. “Hawkeye.” He pointed at his chest, then toward his partner. “Widow.”

“Rocket.” The raccoon supplied. “Groot, Gamora, and Drax.” He gestured between the three other beams that weren’t occupied by Avengers. “Don’t know what happened to Peter. But with Peter, you never know.” The animal shrugged. “Did you really throw sticks at them?”

“Yeah, but I’m really good at it.” Clint dropped himself down on the bench in the cell and started taking the space in. 

“We’re gonna need a distraction, a projectile, and an explosive.” Rocket scratched his chin as he too searched for an escape.

Clint pointed at his bow and quiver across the beam bay. “Get me my sticks.”

~*~

The Sloobers, it turned out, were very much advocates of true love, soul mates, and true love’s first kiss. Rocket had explained what he knew of Sloober society, which neither Clint nor Natasha really trusted as Rocket kept calling them Sloobers with no knowledge of what the race called themselves. 

But that part turned out to be true. Bobert K Flummadiddle reached through the cell bars, pulled Clint to him and planted true love’s first kiss on Hawkeye. The Sloobers were besotted with the kiss, they opened the cell door to let the lovers at each other. (Apparently the kiss was lengthier than Clint was aware.)

Rocket scooted out the door, up a Sloober, over another one, grabbed Hawkeye’s weapons and chucked them to his cellmate. The two men pulled apart for air in the nick of time. Scrambling under the awkward Sloobers, Clint grabbed his gear and pulled out an explosive arrowhead for Rocket. 

Bobert took a gun from a surprised Sloober, blasted Widow’s cell and then the chain end where she was attached to the wall. All bets were off with the animals freed from their cages. 

Rocket was running while he ripped bits and bob from a Sloober gun. Nat and Bobert corralled the two Sloobers into a cell. And Hawkeye, with his sticks, fired an arrow at the sensor on Steve’s beam circle. The arrow ricocheted to the next beam circle, then the next, then the next… releasing the prisoners. Because, yeah, boomerang!

More Sloobers flooded into the room, separating the beam captives from the cell captives. Bobert yelled at Rocket’s crew. “Go! We’ll meet you somewhere.” He grabbed Clint’s hand and started running down the hall. Rocket and Widow were already ahead of them.

Bobbing and weaving down narrow halls and around aliens, the four of them made their way to a platform with a number of shiny docked space ships. Bobert started punching codes into the access door to one of them. 

Rocket was firing an adapted gun at the Sloobers. “Hey, this isn’t ours!”

 

“Sure it is!” Bobert kept punching and the door finally opened. Natasha ducked inside.

“But we came in that one!” The raccoon pointed over to a docking pad that they were not going to get to. There were an uncountable number of Sloobers between them and the other ship, but they could tell that the other Avengers and Rocket’s crew had made it to that platform where they were boarding their respective vehicles.

“That don’t mean we have to leave in it!” Bobert yelled as he threw the raccoon on board and pulled Clint in behind him.

When they reached the controls Widow and Rocket were seated and the ship was leaving the platform. The Quinjet and the other ship were ahead of them heading toward Earth from the barrier.

“Good work, Bobby.” Clint patted the guy on the shoulder. 

“It’s Peter.” And the guy shoved Clint against the bulkhead and shoved his tongue down Clint’s throat.

“You know they’re Sloober married now?” Rocket said to Widow. “True love’s first kiss is Sloober married.”

Clint pulled away from the kiss. “I’m already married.” He protested. “I have a wife.”

“We have a wife? Cool.” And Peter groped Clint’s ass as he pulled him back in for another kiss.


End file.
